Transparent Delusions
by Sinful Perversion
Summary: Sometimes all you need is a delusion to get you through the night. Who you choose spend that night playing out your desires with is a different story. -- A look into the Rogue/Logan/Scott/Jean quadrangle from different points of view. (X2 SPOILERS.) R&R!


Title: Transparent Delusions.  
  
Author: Sinful Perversion  
  
Feedback: kristal_010@hotmail.com  
  
Rating: R  
  
Summary: Sometimes all you need is a delusion to get you through the night. Who you choose spend that night playing out your desires with is a different story. -- A look into the Rogue/Logan/Scott/Jean quadrangle from different points of view. (X2 SPOILERS.) Please Read and Review. Thanks.  
  
Pairing(s): Scott/Rogue, Scott/Jean, Rogue/Logan, Logan/Jean (Not as triangular as you think. More of a square, yes?)  
  
Series: Hopefully. Please review and let me know if its worth continuing.  
  
Indicators: "these" for speech, *these* for thoughts  
  
Spoilers: X2. So if you haven't seen it - RUN! RUN AWAY FROM HERE!  
  
A/N: This is my first fan fiction. Wrote in Rogue's POV and if the series continues (which all depends on your opinion) then we'll move on to other character POV's. If I missed anything about the characters now or even later on the please let me know. I'm kind of virginal here, so please be kind. Hope you enjoy what I've written and please review.  
  
*************************************** Rogue ***************************************  
  
My pulse slowed to a crawl along with the second hand. My thoughts are a jumble, and my mind is too clouded. Sitting on my bed I hardly notice myself nursing my gloves, which lay neatly on my lap. Staring at the sunset, being mesmerized by the light as it dissipates into darkness. The room is silent, the sound of my own breathing threatened to stifle me.   
  
Logan left about three weeks ago. The toll Jean's death took on the school seemed too much for him to face.   
  
*You fucking coward! *   
  
'Logan, WAIT!'  
  
'I'll see ya later kid.'  
  
'Where are you going?'  
  
'Away for a bit.'  
  
'Why? What's wrong?'  
  
Silence. I could feel my heart burning. The itch to scream, to cry, to say something, to do anything - but I stood still.  
  
'I'll be back. Take care.'  
  
And he was gone.  
  
I didn't go to class that day or three days after that. I just sat in my room not moving. Jubilee and Kitty begged me to eat. I didn't. They begged me to talk to someone. I wouldn't. What was there to say?   
  
The dull ache was all too familiar. In those first three years Logan was gone did he ever think about me once? Just what did he mean when he promised he would look after me? Take care of me.  
  
"Bullshit. Complete bullshit, Logan."  
  
And now he was gone again?  
  
Believe me I understand he had to find himself the first time. The least he could do was call, or write. Anything from him would be worth it after his gallant promise, wouldn't it? Then again, why did I expect so much of him? When he returned my heart 'soared' as the expression goes. Oh, but he didn't return for me. He didn't even return for Jean. He did so for himself. I felt like an idiot. Much to my boyfriend's dismay, I followed him around like a dog. It didn't take long for my situation with Logan to reach the students.   
  
The lonely little girl obsessed with her savior. Poor Rogue. Does he even notice her? What a fool.   
  
I'm not blind. I'm not stupid. I heard, I saw and KNEW what they were saying was true. Didn't I?  
  
So, he's gone. I decided to let him go. Why? It was on a whim actually. I looked at Logan, and then to my current boyfriend Bobby. What do I care for more? My pride, that's what.  
  
*'Fuck him*, I remember thinking to myself, *its either his sanity or mine. I'm not wasting my time. *  
  
Quite a delusion.  
  
So, try as I might I couldn't forget the excruciating pain he left behind for me to absorb not only once - but twice! The minute he turned his back on me the second time my blood boiled.  
  
*I hate him!*  
  
He left me.   
  
*He killed me - but he saved me.*  
  
I hate him, no matter how much I say it, I still can't believe it.  
  
My brain fought for clarity. The Professor taught me how to center myself to control my mutation. It's all a matter of concentration. Yeah, sure. Concentration was a something lost on me at the moment.   
  
Its been lost on me for a while actually.  
  
Tonight I need a break from this place. Everyone seemed to have plans on a Friday night. My roommates, Jubilee and Kitty were off gallivanting with each other or the current object of their affections. They always insisted I accompany them on their "Man Missions", but as usual I politely declined. It wasn't my thing. Sitting alone and thinking about why my life is a total waste is more my thing.   
  
Usually Bobby and John would take me into town at the end of the week. We would all go see a movie, I would drag them shopping, or if all else failed we could always harass the locals. But, John was gone now. He made his choice when he left us and joined Erik -- Magneto. Bobby wasn't really up for much at all. Sometimes I wonder what his relationship with John really was. Betrayal was fresh in his mind. His family - more specifically his brother, and now John. He spent most nights training or in his room. I spent my time in my room, in the library observing others, or with the Professor trying to control my mutation - which seemed to be all in vain. We steadily grew apart over this year since we all came back from our first mission. Something I thought would never happen. But it did.   
  
*Shows how much you know. *   
  
I talked to him as much as I could, but it just wasn't enough for him. I could never give him all he wanted, all he needed, all he deserved to have. Never. I couldn't hurt him anymore.  
  
The days were just too long for me.   
  
Yes, tonight I would get away. If only for a few hours - I would still get away. And alone. I need it.   
  
Waiting for darkness to wash away the mindless tasks performed through the day was a burden on its own. The classes, the homework, the polite chitchat with teachers and students. Walking down the hallways seemed never ending. When then the smallest gestures become so hard to perform? How can I sit there and not leave this place and these memories behind? Why am I still here?  
  
*Run. Get away from here. Would anyone really notice if you were gone? *  
  
The clamor in my head rose steadily. I'm not sure who's thoughts those were, but they were there all the same. It was almost a reflex in sorting the opinions and thoughts of the others - Bobby, Logan, Erik, David, and most recently, John - but today it seemed like a task. So I let them talk. Some were fading, the rest molded together. Right now I really don't care.  
  
We moved into the newly rebuilt mansion just about a day before Logan made his exit. Anxiety took its toll on the inhabitants of our home. One year since Jean's -- Jean's death. But oh no, not just death. Her departure, her heroic sacrifice, her tragic end. I could go on and on. I could, but I won't. The year had dragged on like a knife was stuck in my brain, slowing down all thoughts, stretching out small conversations into long, looming silence. It was enough to drive the best thought out man insane. It drove Logan insane anyway. I came to the conclusion that was why he left.  
  
That brings to mind Mr. Summers - or rather, Scott.   
  
*Mr. Summers*, a voice reminded me.   
  
*Details, details. *   
  
Just thinking about how he must feel after losing the love of his life, just seeing the pain etched on his face as I sat in English Literature squeezed the blood out of my heart. It was something to loose someone who you loved, but it was an entire different experience to loose someone who you live your life for. He was away for half of the year.   
  
*If I were him I would get away too. *  
  
He came back at the beginning of our summer off. Everyone seemed to be studying him under a microscope. At times he smiled and joked (humorlessly by the way) with the students, but lord knows what he must do when he's alone. I know that feeling, been there, done that. Everyone else bought it. Not me. He kept up that façade though - he was undoubtedly the 'Fearless Leader'. I'd like to have his control one day. I ached for him. I couldn't even fathom what he must feel. Even after all this time.   
  
Shaking away those thoughts I stood up. I couldn't continue to think about this. I would much rather revel in my own suffering than take up those of another. My long black gloves fall to the floor. Picking them up, I glanced at the digital clock that flashed red on my nightstand.   
  
7:03 pm.  
  
*Well, if I'm going out might as well leave now. *  
  
Facing the mirror I looked at myself and pulled on my gloves. I opted for a red form fitting blouse and the usual tight black pants and arm length black gloves. The winter weather was getting colder now. No leather jacket tonight. The long, wool one would do just fine.  
  
*Not bad. I'm not surprised if I got some tonight. * I knew that wasn't me. Sure ain't complaining though. When the angst takes over, all a girl needs is the voice in her head to compliment her, right?  
  
*************************************** End ***************************************  
  
What do you all think?   
  
Comments and constructive criticism would be greatly appriciated considering it is my first fiction.   
  
Should i continue or kill it and watch it suffer and die?   
  
I hope to hear something from ANYONE!  
  
Either way thanks for reading.  
  
** Sinful Perversion ** 


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